Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
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