Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
