haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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