i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
