it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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