I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
