This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
