Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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