and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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