Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
