I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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