I could have mohawked her pubes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
