Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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