It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
