Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
