Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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