do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
