i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
