I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
