she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
