how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
