Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
