Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
