I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
