booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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