listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
