at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
