I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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