I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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