She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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