my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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