Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
We need to get me chipped asap
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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