A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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