His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize