You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
