The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
