its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
