i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We have started to decorate penises.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Randomize
