what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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