So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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