you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
