My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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