are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
