I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
