I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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