Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
