I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
