I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
