Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There's always time for handjobs
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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