his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The best revenge is premature balding
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
