So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
