I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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