I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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