Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
