good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
