I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
3pm strippers are depressing
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
