I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
